*Crysta was featured on Surro Fairy's wesbite as a guest blogger. Enjoy the blog post that was posted in December 2019*
I SAT, STARING AT MY SCREEN FOR A WHILE. HOW WOULD I WRITE THIS? WOULD IT BE RAW AND TRUTHFUL? WOULD I DULL IT DOWN TO AVOID CONTROVERSY?
Somehow, actually putting my journey as a surrogate into words, real ones that could be read by anyone, made me feel more vulnerable than just telling my story. And for many I guess that’s what surrogacy is, the ultimate level of vulnerability. There are so many things I felt so sure of and some things I wish, oh how I wish I would have known.
I knew that by doing a surrogacy I was lending my body temporarily, housing the growth of someone's dreams. Allowing my womb to be called a safe haven while another person's baby grew healthy enough to be given back to them. Truthfully, I welcomed it. I was excited and felt a level of blessed and humility i'm not sure I can ever really put into words. I already had 4 biological children and 2 bonus babies. Having had the privilege to be called mother, parent, and experience this love and joy, I wanted to be able to help another family have the opportunity to do the same. Live that same dream. While I wish I would have known some things then that I know now, I can honestly say I wouldn't take back being a surrogate. It was single handedly one of the most amazing things I have ever done in my life and I do plan on doing it again, though much differently knowing what I know now.
My journey was in many ways flawless. I had a very healthy pregnancy with no complications and the transfer took after one try. I had a great match, and everything felt like it was supposed to be that way. The IFs and my family got along really well, but things changed at the end… and while the story itself is longer than what I can say here, I wished I would have understood what had been going on.
My agency wasn’t supporting me well. I was butting heads with my case manager. She wasn't meeting my needs and I began to feel like my role was not important at all. I felt owned. As a Doula for a decade and someone who advocated for families, birth and body autonomy I felt betrayed. These red flags should have been enough for me to put my foot down and find better solutions to my problems, but I was afraid to cause issues, or to take up space. What right did I have when I was carrying someone else's baby?
That right there… I wish I would have known. YOU have rights as a human being to YOUR body. You have the right to have questions answered until you feel you understand it well enough. You have a right to say no to something if it isn't apart of your agreed upon legal contract. These little problems happened several times with the same results and then at the very end just 2 weeks away from the baby's birth I was hit the lowest blow. I was being served legal papers because of an issue in communication with my agency, case manager and the international IFs. I had done EVERYTHING that had been asked of me, I followed contracts, I asked questions if I wasn't sure and in the end because my agency dropped the ball and did not advocate for me. I had to do so my self or suffer the consequences of being sued. I wish I had pages so I could write about this with every detail of how it happened. But even now out of contract and respect I can not.
But I did learn that women still have to fight for their bodily rights. I had to change the plans a bit, I had to follow through with a 39 week induction so that the medical staff could actually advocate for me. Keep ME safe. I had to make the only choice left or suffer the consequences that financially would break my family. I had to surrender my right to birthing naturally. In the end it caused me a retained placenta after 4 days of labor. In the end I had several blown IV sites and bruises so wide and deep they were running out of space to keep me hooked up. In the end it resulted in birth trauma and nerve damage with a dislocated and broken tailbone. It left my body and my soul broken. I felt used and taken advantage of. The agency never bothered to check in on me other than to send a bouquet of flowers saying thank you.
THE SILVER LINING TO ALL OF THIS?
Seeing that cool little human I birthed into the world take his first breath before he was taken to his parents. I never saw him again. It took 6 months before I ever saw a photo. What do I wish I would have known? I wished I would've known I could fire my case manager ( I eventually did the week I was induced).
What do I wish I would have known? That I had a voice and that my body was in fact my choice… I DID have a say and this is why lawyers and a supportive knowledgeable medical team is so important.
What do I wish I would have known? That not all well known “big” surrogacy agencies are good. They won't always support you and this is why RESEARCH is so important and why it's so important to make sure everything you stand for or don't is in that legal contract. Don't let anyone pressure you into thinking something is not common or not a big deal or don't worry about it. That legal documentation is there to protect you AND the parents too.
I wish I would have known to be gentle with myself. Just because it isn't your baby, doesn't mean your body knows. I was NOT prepared for how hard the postpartum period was going to be during my long road to recovery and I felt ashamed in asking for help. I made this choice so it’s mine to deal with, right?
No, deciding to be a surrogate doesn't mean you sacrifice your health or mental health. Find your support, talk to your agency, set up a plan with family, friends and build your community. You matter too.
Surrogacy can be a beautiful journey that satisfies different levels and needs for each woman and family who seek it. It is not all rainbows and sunshine, it is not all darkness and lies. It isn't always about the money, or the self sacrifice. It is a journey nonetheless. It is a marker in life, where a new one begins. Oh I wish I knew then what I know now...Don't be silent just because it makes someone uncomfortable. Keep speaking your truths and seeking answers and lighting the way for those who come after. You are more than a number.
Comments